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I  1 1  E    H  O  S  T  -  O  I-  F  I  C  E    IS    IN    THE    HEART   O  I    AN  O  I  D 
HOLLOW    OAK    TREE*' 

[PAGE   58] 


THE   LOVER'S   BAEDEKER 

AND 

GUIDE    TO    ARCADY 


BY 

CAROLYN  WELLS 

WITH    TWENTY    ILLUSTRATIONS    AND    A    COVER 

BY    A.  D.  BLASHFIELD   AND  MAPS  BY 

GEORGE   W.  HOOD 


NEW    YORK 

FREDERICK    A.    STOKES    COMPANY 
PUBLISHERS 


Copyright,  i<)i2,  by 
FREDERICK  A.  STOKES  COMPANY 

All  rights  reserved,  including  that  of  translation  into  foreign 
languages,  including  the  Scandinavian 


Se])tcmher, 


THR-PLIMPTON-PRRSS 
[  W  •  D  • Q] 

NORWOOD-MASS'  U  •  S  •  A 


SRLF. 
URL' 


THIS     GUIDE     BOOK 
IS     DEDICATED 

TO    ANNA    WAITT 

A     TOURIST 


CONTENTS 

ARCADY  AND  ITS  ENVIRONS:  PACK 

Preliminary  Information I 

TOPOGRAPHY     4 

ROUTES       4 

ROADS  OUT  OF  ARCADY   . 

SEASON   

CLIMATE . 

TIME ii 

Time's  Valentine 15 

CALENDAR 19 

The  Lay  of  Lothario  Lee 21 

MONEY 24 

CUSTOM  HOUSE 24 

Cupid's  Failure 28 

HISTORY 29 

An  Arcady  Girl 31 

Under  a  New  Charter 32 

ARCADIA 34 

An  Arcadian  Lady 38 

ARCADY  : 

Preliminary  Ramble 39 

FLORA 41 

THE  ARCADIAN   LANGUAGE   OF   FLOWERS      ....  43 

HOTELS .  ^4 

RESTAURANTS 45 

SWEET  SHOPS 46 

Heard  in  Arcady 47 

Dithyramb  by  an  Arcadian  Poet 49 

CONVEYANCES 50 

SHOPS 54 

Cupid's  Sale 55 

Cupid's  Bill 57 


CONTENTS 

INSTITUTIONS  AND   PUBLIC  BUILDINGS: 

Places  of  Interest 58 

Post-Oflicc 58 

The  Heart  Exchange 61 

The  Intercepted  Valentine 62 

INSTITUTIONS   AND   PUBLIC   BUILDINGS  (Continued): 

Banks 62 

The  Hospital 62 

The  Weather  Bureau 65 

The  Campo  Santo 65 

The  Hall  of  Fame 66 

Ballade  of  Arcady 67 

AMUSEMENTS ....  68 

The  Old  Story 75 

LANGUAGE 75 

SOME  ARCADIAN   BROMIDIOMS 76 

EXERCISE   i  OR  THE   LANGUAGE   STUDENT: 

A    Very  Pretty  Quarrel 77 

Degrees  of  Love 70 

Definitions 79 

Tbe  S]>cllinu  Lesson ~o, 

Lore  in  Arcady <8o 

Insensibility 81 

Biographical  Sketch  of  Cujyid 82 

POLITICAL   NOTES 84 

ARCADIAN  LAWS 84 

COSTUMES 85 

Then  and  Now 86 

WALKS 8- 

Old  Valentines <>i 

BUSINESS   SECTION <;} 

IT   HAPPENED   IN   ARCADY <;4 

CALAMITOUS  CATASTROPHE 101 

ADVERTISEMENTS 103 

Advertisement    .      .      .   ' 113 


LIST   OF    ILLUSTRATIONS 

The  Post  Office  is  in  the  heart  of  an  old  hollow  oak  tree  Frontispie 

Arcadia  (Map) Facing  page  3 

Across  the  Sea  of  Dreams  in  a  Transport  of  Rapture  .  .  5 

The  troubled  waters  of  the  Gulf  of  Woe 7 

Mountains  of  Opposition 8 

A  radiant  Goddess  beckoning  to  him 9 

Many  with  a  greed  for  lucre  will  follow  the  Goddess  of 

Fortune  10 

'Tis  love  that  makes  the  world  go  round 12 

The  old  clock  on  the  stairs 13 

Sun  dials  and  moon  dials  are  approved  as  they  mark  the 

bright  hours  only 17 

Custom  House 25 

Arcady  and  its  Environs  (Map) 35 

On  the  water  all  sorts  of  boats  are  used 51 

Cupid's  Heartware  Shop 53 

The  groves  and  dells  are  decorated  with  beautiful  statues  .  59 

Weather  Bureau  .  63 

The  Mayday  Plaisance  is  a  large  amusement 69 

A  Serenader 73 

True  lovers'  knots  may  be  bought  here 89 

The  blissfully  enraptured  are  conducted  to  sentimental  spots  197 

Love  proof  window  screens 114 

Map  of  the  Town  of  Arcadia End-leaves 


THE   LOVER'S   BAEDEKER 

AND 

GUIDE  TO  ARCADY 


THE  LOVER'S  BAEDEKER  AND 
GUIDE  TO  ARCADY 

r 

ARCADY  AND   ITS   ENVIRONS 

PRELIMINARY    INFORMATION 

OVER  the  hills  and  far  away  lies  Arcady, 
the    Mecca    of  all  Lovers,   and  there- 
fore   the    place   where   Journeys    End. 
Situated  on  a  large  tract  of  enchanted  ground, 
in   the   Country   of  Agapemone,    Arcady   is    a 
beautiful  and  interesting  place,  and  should  be 
visited    by    every    tourist    making    the    Grand 
Tour  of  Life. 

Even  the  shortest  sojourn  here  will  yield 
rich  rewards  of  interest  and  pleasure,  and  will 
contribute  more  than  long  years  of  study  to  a 
thorough  enjoyment  and  comprehension  of  all 
that  is  best  in  life. 

The  majority  of  the  human  race  sooner  or 
later  find  Arcady  for  themselves,  some  seeking 


THE     LOVER      S      I)  A  E  D  E  K  E  R 

it    with    a    steadfast     purpose,    others     blindly 
stumbling  into  it  all  unexpectedly. 

But  to  the  traveler  who  would  enjoy  intelli- 
gently its  delights,  the  following  hints  may  not 
conic  amiss. 


Tilt      L  O  V  L  K      S      II  A   M  D  L  K  L  R 

TOPOGRAPHY 

THE  Province  of  Arcadia,  whose  capital  is 
A  ready  (see  map  No.  i  ),  is  bounded  on  the  North 
by  the  Land  of  He-art's  De-sire,  from  which  it 
is  separated  by  the-  Happy  Valley. 

On  the  East  it  is  bounded  by  the  Gulf  of 
Time,  across  winch  dimly  may  be  seen,  in  the 
distance,  the  Garden  of  Eden. 

On  the  \\cst  by  the  Mountains  of  Oppo- 
sition, beyond  winch  is  the  Gull  ol  Dark 
Despair. 

Along  the  Southern  Shores  murmur  the  lap- 
ping wavelets  of  tin*  Sea  of  Dreams,  whose 
wonderful  phenomenon  of  Mirage  often  de- 
ceives even  an  experienced  traveler. 

ROUTES:  Travelers  may  approach  A  ready  by 
several  routes.  One-  of  the  pleasantest  is  the 
Joy  Line,  by  which  passengers  afe  carried  across 
the  Sea  of  Dreams  in  I  ransports  of  Rapture. 

Another  approach,  preferred  by  adventur- 
ous ones  in  search  of  excitement,  is  across  the 
Seas  of  Misunderstanding,  through  the  troubled 

[4'] 


ACROSS    THE   SEA    OF   DREAMS    IN    TRANSPORTS   OF    RAPTURE' 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

waters  of  the  Gulf  of  Wo,  and  over  the  difficult 
and  well-nigh  impassable  Mountains  of  Op- 
position. However,  when  these  mountains 


THE  TROUBLED  WATERS  OF  THE  GULF  OF  WO 


are   safely    crossed   the  way   is   delightful   and 
easy. 

[7] 


THE     LOVER      S     B  A  E  D  E  K  E  H 

ROADS  OUT  OF  AHCADV:  The  Road  to  Fame 
often  leads  out  of  Arcady.  An  ambitious  youth, 
hearing  a  silvery  trumpet  note,  looks  up  to  see 
a  radiant  Goddess  beckoning  to  him.  Unless  a 
true  Lover,  he  may  be  dazzled  by  her  glory  and 
cajoled  by  her  promises.  Lured  away,  he  fo!- 


«£ 


lows  the  fickle  Fair  and   soon    loses  all   interest 
in  Arcadian  delights. 

The  Road  to  Wealth  is  another  easy  way  out 
of  Aready.  Not  content  with  the  Pot  of  Gold 
at  the  End  of  the  Rainbow,  many  with  a  greed 
for  lucre  will  follow  the  Goddess  Fortune1,  who 
is  even  more  false  and  fickle  than  the-  Goddess 
Fame. 

[8] 


AND      GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

Also  there  is  the  Downward  Path,  which  leads 
from    the    State    of   Matrimony    to    the    Great 


'A     RADIANT     GODDESS     BECKONING     TO     HIM 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

Divide.     Crossing   this,    the    unfortunate   trav 
eler  returns  to  the  State  of  Single  Blessedness. 


Q  * 


MANY  WITH  A  GREED  FOR  LUCRE  WILL  FOLLOW 
THE  GODDESS  FORTUNE" 


10] 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

SEASON:  Arcady  is  an  all-the-year-round  re- 
sort, and  most  of  the  districts  described  may 
be  visited  at  any  season  of  the  year.  Spring 
and  Early  Summer  are  perhaps  best  for  an 
initial  visit. 

June  is  an  especially  desirable  time  for  young 
lovers  to  be  in  Arcady,  but  Lovelorn  Swains  and 
Minor  Poets  frequently  choose  the  melancholy 
days  of  Autumn. 

CLIMATE:  The  Climatic  conditions  of  Arcady 
are  peculiar.  Though  usually  the  weather  is 
balmy  and  pleasant,  sometimes  a  sudden  cool- 
ness springs  up  and  a  frost  is  often  distinctly 
felt.  A  stormy  time  may  ensue,  and  then  sud- 
denly the  clouds  clear  away  and  all  is  sunshine 
once  more. 

TIME:  Time  in  Arcady  is  entirely  a  matter 
of  opinion.  To  a  waiting  Lover  the  minutes 
are  hours  and  lag  slowly  along,  while  to  happy 
hearts  a  golden  day  flies  by  as  if  on  wings. 

It  is  said  that  Love  makes  Time  pass  away, 
and  Time  makes  Love  pass  away ;  but  the  latter 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

statement  is  obviously  an  error,  for  after  Love 
has  made  Time  pass  away,  how  can  Time  do 
anything  to  Love? 

However,  'tis  Love  that  makes  the  world 
go  round,  and  this  explains  why  Love  makes 
Time  pass  so  rapidly. 


'  "T  I  S  LOVE  THAT  MAKES  THE  WORLD  GO  ROUND" 

Watches  are  of  little  use  in  Arcady,  as  the 
Lovers  deem  them  always  too  slow  or  too  fast, 
and  usually  forget  to  wind  them,  anyway.  The 
town  timepiece  is  the  Old  Clock  on  the  Stairs, 
whose  refrain  is: 

[12] 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 


THE  OLD  CLOCK   ON   THE   STAIRS 
''FOREVER—     —  —  NEVER 
NEVER FOREVER" 


THE      LOVER      S BAEDEKER 

Forever  —  Never  - 
Never  —  Forever  - 

Forever  and  Never  are  the  units  of  time 
most  employed  by  Arcadians,  and  their  mean- 
ings are  synonymous. 

Time  when  Lovers  are  separated  is  measured 
by  ages;  when  together,  it  is  not  measured  at 
all,  as  then  the  hours  unheeded  fly,  or  speed  on 
winged  feet. 

Sun  dials  and  Moon  dials  are  approved,  as 
they  mark  the  bright  hours  only. 


14 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 


TIME'S  VALENTINE 


T 


WAS  St.  Valentine's  Day,  and  Father  Time 
Said,  "I  think  I'll  scribble  a  bit  o'  rhyme, 
To  send  to  the  sweetest  maid  on  earth." 
And  the  old  fellow  chuckled  in  roguish  mirth. 
He  reached  for  his  inkhorn  and  quill,  then  said, 
As  he  absently  nodded  his  wise  old  head, 
"But  what  maiden  is  gentle  and  sweet  and  fine 
Enough  to  be  my  Valentine? 
There's  a  musical  girl  in  Kalamazoo,  — 
But  I  hear  she  beats  Time,  so  she  won't  do; 
There's  a  fair  New  York  girl,  proud  and  calm, 
But  they  say  she  kills  Time  without  a  qualm! 
A  pretty  clubwoman  I  saw  one  day, 
But  '  I  won't  have  Time,'  I  heard  her  say. 
For  one  of  those  summer  girls  I  yearn; 
But  they  declare  they  'have  Time  to  burn.' 
There  are  lovely  girls  in  a  Southern  clime, 
But  they  sweetly  admit  that  they  waste  Time, 
While  the  bustling  woman,  with  manners  curt, 
Takes  Time  by  the  forelock,  and  that  does  hurt. 
On  the  Boston  maiden  I  make  no  claim, 
To  improve  Time  seems  to  be  her  aim. 
And  I  heard  an  old  spinster  contriving  a  plan 
Say,  Til  try  to  get  Time  as  soon  as  I  can.' 
So  none  of  these  whom  I've  mentioned  yet 

[15] 


THE      LOVER      S       BAEDEKER 

A  Valentine  from  Time  shall  get. 

But  I've  in  mind  a  maiden  who, 

When  a  fond  lover  came  to  woo, 

Just  blushed  and  hung  down  her  pretty  head, 

And  'Give  me  Time!'  was  all  she  said. 

By  Cupid,  that's  the  maid  for  me! 

To  her  my  Valentine  shall  be." 


16] 


"SUN  DIALS  AND  MOON  DIALS  ARE  APPROVED,  AS  THEY 
MARK  THE  BRIGHT  HOURS  ONLY" 


AND     GUIDE     TO      ARCADY 

CALENDAR:  The  Arcadian  Calendar  is  en- 
tirely made  up  of  Red-Letter  Days. 

In  the  Spring  the  Young  Man's  Fancy  follows 
the  vernal  tradition. 

The  Summer  is  entirely  given  over  to  the 
Summer  Girl's  flirtations. 

In  the  Autumn  a  delicious  Melancholy  is  in 
the  air  and  Arcadians  experience 

A  feeling  of  sadness  and  longing 

That  is  not  akin  to  wo; 
And  resembles  sorrow  only 

As  a  Poet  resembles  a  Poe. 

In  Winter  come  the  Halcyon  Days,  and  all 
are  glad  and  merry  and  Life  is  one  grand,  sweet 
song  and  dance. 

Many  Fete  Days  are  observed. 

Christmas  receives  due  consideration,  but 
St.  Valentine's  Day  and  All  Hallowe'en  are  even 
more  widely  celebrated  in  Arcady. 

April  First,  or  All  Fools'  Day,  is  not  specially 
observed,  except  in  Fool's  Paradise,  where  it 
is  April  Fools'  Day  all  the  year  round. 

Midsummer  Eve  and  the  Eve  of  St.  Agnes 
are  dear  to  Lovers,  and  as  every  day  is  Some- 

[19] 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

body's  Birthday,  there  are  celebrations  contin- 
ually. Mayday,  too,  is  a  pleasant  occasion, 
and  on  that  day  there  are  May-parties  all  over 
the  place,  for  Arcady  is  a  Land  where  it  is 
always  Saturday  Afternoon. 


20] 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 


THE   LAY  OF  LOTHARIO  LEE 

L/OTHARIO  LEE  was  saddened,  the  world  seemed  grim 

and  gray; 
For  Lothario  Lee  was  a  lover  bold,  and  today  was  St. 

Valentine's  Day. 

'Twas  St.  Valentine's  Day,  and  he  fain  would  send  his 

heart  to  the  fair  Florelle, 
For  the  radiant  maid  had  inspired  in  his  breast  a  passion 

he  could  not  quell. 

But  alas!  for  the  gay  Lothario,  his  heart  was  held  in  fee 
Down  at  Dan  Cupid's  pawnshop,  at  the  sign  of  the  roses 
three. 

Willingly  would  the  lovelorn   knight  that  errant   heart 

reclaim, 
But  alas!  the  luckless  Lothario  hadn't  a  cent  to  his  name. 

So  he  sadly  sat  and  pondered,  as  doleful  as  he  could  be; 
When   a   brilliant   notion   struck   him—    "Done!"    cried 
Lothario  Lee. 

"I'll  send  her  the  pawnshop  ticket,  my  tale  of  wo  'twill 
tell, 

[21] 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

For  she  alone  can  redeem  my  heart  —  the  rich  and  rare 
Florelle." 

He  sent  her  the  tell-tale  ticket,  he  scribbled  a  hasty  line, 
Bidding  her  call  at  Dan    Cupid's    shop    and  claim  her 
valentine. 

And  as  she  read  the  message,  in  the  soul  of  the  fair  Flcrelle 
A  joyful  thought  rang  merrily,  like  a  far-away  marriage 
bell. 

With    her    heart  in  a  frantic    flutter,   adown  the  street 

sped  she, 
Till  she  reached  Dan  Cupid's   pawnshop,  at  the  sign  of 

the  roses  three. 

Cupid  sat  at  a  work-bench,  mending  a  broken  dart; 
"I  am  Florelle,"  said  she,  "and  I  come  to  claim  Lothario's 
heart. 

"Here  is  the  ticket,  Cupid;  what  are  the  ransom  fees? 
See,  I  will  pay  you  the  money;  give  me  the  heart,  if  you 
please." 

"But  I  am  blind,"  said  Cupid,  "I  cannot  see  the  name; 
Describe  the  heart  you  are  looking  for,  and  so  make  good 
your  claim." 

"Lothario's  heart,"  said  the  lady,  "is  brave  and  knows 

no  fear." 

"Alas!"  said  Cupid,  dejectedly,  "no  such  heart  is  here." 

I  22} 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

"His  heart,"  said  the  lady,  further,  "is  honest,  and  good, 

and  true." 
"No,"  said  Dan  Cupid,  wofully,  "not  one  of  these  hearts 

will  do." 

"His  heart  to  me  is  single,  it  beats  for  me  alone." 
"Come,  come,"  cried  Cupid,  "impossible!     Such  hearts 
I've  never  known. 

"The  best  in  my  collection  has  been   mended  once  or 

twice, 
But  here's  a  heart  that  may  suit  you,  if  you're  willing  to 

pay  the  price. 

"It's  a  heart  that  is  sad  and  lonely,  a  trifle  hard  and 

cold, 
It  seems  to  be  rather  scarred  and  worn  —  in  fact,   it's 

getting  old. 

"It's  somewhat  fickle  and  jealous,  a  bit  impatient,  too; 
And  it's  branded  with  several  maidens'  names  —  Coralie, 
Rose,  and  Loo." 

"Why,  that's  the  very  heart  I  want,"  said  the  lady,  "give 

it  to  me; 
That's  the  one  I've  been  describing  to  you,  the  heart  of 

Lothario  Lee." 

[23] 


THE       LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

As  she  left  the  shop  in  triumph,  said  Cupid,  "I  seem  to 

find 
Each  day  a  more  convincing  fact  to  prove  that  Love  is 

blind." 

MONEY:  Money  is  of  little  use  in  Arcady. 
Those  who  are  rich  spend  their  money  lav- 
ishly, but  the  poor  get  along  just  as  well,  and 
often  better. 

The  principal  coins  of  the  Realm  are  the 
Lucky  Penny  and  the  Last  Red  Cent. 

Credit  can  always  be  had  at  the  Arcadian 
Shops,  and  is  extended  as  often  as  desired. 

CUSTOM  HOUSE:  Hearts,  especially  if  inflam- 
mable, are  dutiable  articles,  and  should  be 
declared  as  such. 

Worn  on  the  sleeve,  they  are  easily  examined 
by  the  Inspector,  though  a  dishonest  smuggler 
has  sometimes  gone  ashore  \vith  his  heart  in  his 
boots. 

Hearts  are  appraised  by  weight,  so  heavy 
hearts  should  be  avoided  and  light  hearts 
should  be  carried  whenever  possible. 

Broken  hearts  are  not  dutiable,  unless  they 
[24] 


CUSTOM    HOUSE 
"PASSIONS   SHOULD   ALWAYS    BE   DECLARED'' 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

have  been  repaired  and  are  quite  as  good  as 
new. 

Stolen  hearts  may  be  confiscated  by  the 
Customs  Inspectors  and  returned  to  their 
original  owners.  Stony  hearts  are  exempt. 

Passions  should  always  be  declared. 

Keepsakes  and  souvenirs  are  not  dutiable  and 
need  not  be  shown. 


27] 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 


CUPID'S  FAILURE 


V^ 


UPID,  one  day,  in  idle  quest, 
Fitted  a  dainty  dart 
And  aimed  it  at  Priscilla's  breast, 
To  strike  Priscilla's  heart. 

Clean  through  it  went,  no  heart  was  there; 

Said  Cupid,  "  I  believe 
Priscilla's  just  the  girl  to  wear 

Her  heart  upon  her  sleeve." 

But  there,  alack!  it  was  not  found; 

"Aha!"  cried  Cupid,  "note 
Her  frightened  air;  now  I'll  be  bound 

Her  heart  is  in  her  throat." 

Failure  again.     On  slender  chance 

He  one  more  arrow  shoots; 
Assuming  from  her  downcast  glance, 

Her  heart  is  in  her  boots. 

Foiled,  Cupid  threw  aside  his  bow; 

"She  has  no  heart,"  said  he. 
(He  did  not  know  that  long  ago 

She  gave  her  heart  to  me.) 
[28! 


HISTORY 

THE  early  history  of  Arcady  is  lost  in  the 
mists  of  ancient  tradition.  Looking  backward 
through  the  reversed  Opera  Glass  of  Time,  we 
see  that  it  was  originally  settled  by  Adam  and 
Eve.  Since  then  it  has  been  peopled  by  lovers 
of  every  age,  sex,  and  condition  of  servitude. 

These  people  are  usually  gentle  and  mild- 
mannered,  though  occasionally  given  to  angry 
or  quarrelsome  outbreaks  caused  by  jealousy 
or  misunderstanding.  These  outbreaks,  how- 
ever, are  indulged  in  mostly  for  the  pleasure  of 
kissing  and  making  up  afterward,  and  forgive- 
ness is  one  of  their  chief  characteristics. 

The  Arcadians  are  not  gregarious,  but  go 
about  in  couples,  or  sit  solitary  and  alone,  wrapt 
in  rapt  thought. 

The  male  population  is  divided  into  Lovers, 
Poets,  and  Lunatics.  There  are  various  types 
of  Lovers — those  that  sigh  like  a  furnace,  those 
that  are  pale  and  wan,  and  Swains. 

Swains  are  usually  Rustic  or  Lovelorn. 
[29] 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

Feminine  Arcadians  are  called  Queens,  God- 
desses, Angels,  and  other  titles  of  incredible 
foolishness. 

In  physical  appearance  dwellers  in  Arcady 
are  beautiful  beyond  all  words.  The  women 
have  eyes  as  stars  of  twilight  fair,  faces  with 
gardens  in,  lily  hands,  amber-dropping  hair, 
and  feet  like  little  mice. 

The  men  are  handsome  as  ApoIIos;  of  heroic 
size  and  Chesterfieldian  manners. 

The  above-mentioned  qualities,  though  not 
always  apparent  to  the  disinterested  observer, 
are  realized  and  insisted  upon  by  the  Lovers 
themselves. 

Oftenest  the  Citizens  of  Arcady  are  transients 
and  come  and  go  as  circumstances  decree,  but 
in  some  rare  instances  a  happy  pair  spend  their 
whole  life  in  Arcady,  or  wander  through  the 
Happy  Valley  and  make  their  home  in  the  Land 
of  Heart's  Desire. 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 


AN  ARCADY  GIRL 


H 


IS  gold  beams  a-spinning,  I  asked  of  the  sun 
If  he  ever  had  any  to  spare; 
"Only  once,"  he  replied,  "too  many  I  spun, 
And  I  gave  them  to  Peggy  for  hair." 

I  asked  of  the  sky  if  his  stars  were  all  right, 

Or  if  he  had  over-supplies; 
He  said,  "  I  had  two  which  were  rather  too  bright, 

So  I  gave  them  to  Peggy  for  eyes." 

I  asked  of  some  fays  who  were  cutting  out  flowers 

If  they  had  any  remnants  or  snips; 
They  said:  "We  had  scraps  of  these  poppies  of  ours, 

But  we  gave  them  to  Peggy  for  lips." 

I  said  to  the  rain,  "What  becomes  of  the  drops 
That  you  may  not  have  used  when  it  clears?" 

He  said,  "If  there  are  any  left  when  it  stops, 
I'll  give  them  to  Peggy  for  tears." 

I  artfully  coaxed  him  to  spill  them  all  out, 

And  scatter  them  over  the  miles, 
And  that  is  the  reason,  I  haven't  a  doubt, 

That  Peg's  always  dimpling  with  smiles. 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 


UNDER  A  NEW  CHARTER 


H 


.ELLO!     Come  in!     I  called  you,  Cupid, 
To  take  this  box.     Handle  with  care ! 
Look  out!  don't  be  so  careless,  Stupid; 
I'd  have  you  know  my  heart's  in  there. 

Take  it  at  once,  boy,  to  Miss  Kitty, 

And  say  it  is  a  valentine. 
How  happy  she'll  look,  and  how  pretty, 

When  she  discovers  it  is  mine! 

Tell  her  for  her  my  heart  is  yearning, 
And  then,  unless  my  judgment  errs, 

By  the  same  messenger  returning 
I  rather  think  she'll  send  me  hers. 

What,  Cupid,  are  you  back  already? 

And  bringing  me  Miss  Kitty's  heart? 
Open  it  quickly!     Stay,  be  steady! 

What's  this?     A  neatly  printed  chart! 

"No  spaces  left  at  my  disposal  — 

Possibly  some  vacated  soon; 
But  I  have  filed  your  kind  proposal. 

Come  up  and  call  some  afternoon." 
[32] 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

And  here  her  heart  is  designated  — 

What  seas  of  dreams!  what  flowery  isles! 

The  boundaries  all  distinctly  stated, 
And  measured  by  a  scale  of  smiles. 

A  large  tract's  given  to  her  poodle; 

A  smaller  one  contains  her  cat; 
Here  is  the  claim  of  Lord  Fitznoodle; 

Here  her  expensive  picture-hat. 

Here  I  observe  her  mother's  quarters; 

This  large  compartment  is  her  dad's; 
Here  Revolutionary  Daughters, 

And  here  her  clubs  and  freaks  and  fads. 

Here  is  enshrined  her  baby  cousin, 

And  here  that  Count  with  whom  she  flirts; 

Here  are  male  tenants  by  the  dozen 
(They're  only  friends,  so  she  asserts). 

This  corner's  occupied  by  Irving, 
This  by  her  pearl  and  turquoise  pin; 

Although  I  know  I  am  deserving, 
I  don't  see  how  I  can  get  in. 


33] 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 


ARCADIA 

The  province  of  Arcadia  proper,  the  country 
between  the  Sea  of  Dreams  and  the  Land  of 
Heart's  Desire  (see  map  No.  2),  is  a  large  district 
with  well-defined  boundaries. 

The  natural  scenery  is  delightful,  being  chiefly 
made  up  of  flowery  meads  and  sylvan  dells 
threaded  by  murmuring  or  babbling  brooks. 

The  River  Lethe  flows  through  the  country, 
at  one  point  dashing  over  a  precipice  in  a  great 
Cataract.  This  is  known  as  Lover's  Leap 
and  is,  at  times,  the  scene  of  fearful  tragedies. 

Despairing  Swains  threaten  to  end  their  lives 
by  dashing  into  the  seething  waters,  unless  their 
capricious  sweethearts  will  smile  on  them. 

As  the  sweethearts  usually  smile,  death  rarely, 
if  ever,  ensues. 

Near  the  middle  of  the  Country  of  Arcadia 
is  its  capital,  the  town  of  Arcady,  which  is 
described  elsewhere. 

Toward  the  Northwest  lies  Lotus  Land,  the 
land  where  it  is  always  afternoon,  where  the 

[34] 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

charmed  sunset  lingers  low  adown  in  the  red 
West. 

The  inhabitants  are  the  niild-eyed,  melan- 
choly Lotus-Eaters,  whose  cult  is  Indolence  set 
to  Music. 

The  mossy  banks  of  Lotus  Land  slope  down 
to  the  River  Lethe,  and  propt  on  beds  of  ama- 
ranth and  moly  the  Lotus-Eaters  delight  to  watch 
the  long  bright  river  drawing  slowly  and  hear 
the  dewy  echoes  calling  and  watch  the  emerald 
color' d  water  falling,  and  things  like  that. 

Across  the  river  from  Lotus  Land  lies  the 
Garden  of  the  Hesperides.  These  enterprising 
maidens  do  a  brisk  trade  in  Golden  Apples, 
but  this  district  must  not  be  confounded  with 
the  Garden  of  Eden,  as  they  are  not  the  same. 

Going  southward,  following  the  shores  of 
the  Gulf  of  Time,  we  come  to  the  Land  of  Yes- 
terday —  and  further  South  to  Never  Never 
Land.  These  are  beautiful  and  attractive  spots 
much  sought  by  Lovers  of  retrospective  and 
imaginative  tendencies. 

On  the  West  side  of  the  river,  just  South  of 
Lotus  Land,  lies  Wanderland,  and  nearby  are 

[36] 


AND     GUIDE     TO    ARCADY 

the  Elysian  Fields.  These  districts  are  usually 
thronged  with  Lovers  sauntering  about  in  pairs, 
each  couple  being  entirely  oblivious  of  all  the 
others. 

Further  South  we  come  to  Dangerous  Ground, 
which  slopes  down  to  Lover's  Leap.  Near  here 
is  Fool's  Paradise.  This  is  a  popular  spot  and 
often  most  delicious  adventures  may  be  met 
here.  The  dwellers  in  Fool's  Paradise  are  ab- 
surdly happy,  and  sometimes  climb  a  small 
eminence  in  the  center  of  the  place,  known  as 
the  Height  of  Folly. 

To  the  West  is  a  range  of  Blue  Mountains. 
The  despairing  swain  often  climbs  these,  but 
when  he  reaches  Mount  Hope  the  world  looks 
brighter  and  he  soon  gets  back  to  the  Happy 
Valley. 


37] 


THE     LOVER      S     BAEDEKER 


AN  ARCADIAN   LADY 

MY    LADY    OF    DELIGHT 

ITH  roguish  glances  bright, 

All  on  a  summer's  day, 
My  Lady  of  Delight 

She  stole  my  heart  away. 
And  though  I  humbly  beg 

And  plead  with  her,  alack! 
My  Lady  of  Delight 

She  will  not  give  it  back. 

Oh,  Lady  of  Delight, 

The  penalty  is  this  — 
If  you  would  keep  the  heart  you  stole 

Then  pay  me  with  a  kiss. 

My  Lady  of  Delight, 

She  is  a  winsome  thing; 
She's  Queen  of  Summertime 

And  Princess  of  the  Spring. 
The  glory  of  her  smile, 

The  sunshine  in  her  eyes, 
Is  like  the  dawn  of  breaking  day 

Across  the  morning  skies. 
[38] 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

To  linger  by  her  side 

Is  such  delicious  bliss, 
Methinks  I'll  steal  her  heart  from  her, 

And  pay  her  with  a  kiss. 


ARCADY 

ARCADY,  the  capital  and  chief  city  of  the 
province  of  Arcadia,  is  a  thickly  settled  town, 
with  delightful  outlying  districts  and  suburban 
surroundings. 

PRELIMINARY  RAMBLE:  The  stranger  visiting 
Arcady  for  the  first  time  cannot  do  better  than 
to  begin  by  a  walk  down  Lovers'  Lane,  where  he 
must  surely  be  impressed  by  the  shady  trees  and 
luxuriantly  blooming  flowers.  Although  some- 
times flooded  with  morning  sunshine,  it  is  usually 
evening  in  Arcady.  The  moon  shines  always, 
sometimes  a  Honeymoon  glows  brightly,  and 
there  are  generally  stars,  or  perhaps  a  tender 
twilight  with  a  fading  sunset.  On  each  side  of 
the  lane  are  the  small  houses  of  the  Love-in-a- 
Cottage  Colony.  These  cottages  are  rose-em- 
bowered and  have  white  dimity  curtains  tied 

[39] 


THE     LOVER     S     BAEDEKER 

with  blue  ribbons.  Crossing  Lovers'  Lane  at 
right  angles  is  Primrose  Path,  the  fashionable 
street  of  Arcady.  The  dwellings  here  are  air 
castles  (mostly  of  Spanish  architecture)  and 
dreams  of  marble  halls.  One  of  the  most 
celebrated  mansions  is  Claude  Melnotte's: 

A  palace  lifting  to  eternal  summer 

Its  marble  walls,  from  out  a  glossy  bower 

Of  coolest  foliage  musical  with  birds, 

.  .  .  while  the  perfumed  light 

Stole  through  the  mists  of  alabaster  lamps, 

And  every  air  was  heavy  with  the  sighs 

Of  orange  groves  and  music  from  sweet  lutes, 

And  murmurs  of  low  fountains  that  gush  forth 

I'  the  midst  of  roses! 

Farther  on  a  shaft  of  moonlight  falls  on 
Juliet's  balcony,  and  beyond  rise  the  towers 
and  turrets  of  the  Castle  of  La  Joyeuse  Garde. 
Primrose  Path  leads  to  Fool's  Paradise,  but 
turning  off  to  the  West  the  traveler  may  stroll 
through  Paradise  Alley  to  the  Elysian  Fields. 
This  beautiful  spot  is  always  fanned  by  south 
winds,  and  among  its  flowery  arbors  may  be 
heard  the  songs  of  larks,  nightingales,  and  turtle 

[40] 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

doves.  Beyond  lies  the  Forest  of  Arden.  Here 
sturdy  oaks  covered  with  clinging  vines  abound; 
but  the  tree  most  frequently  seen  is  the  Tryst- 
ing  Tree.  These  trees  are  interesting  to  visi- 
tors because  of  the  symbols  carved  on  their 
bark.  Here  one  may  notice  the  entwined  ini- 
tials of  Aucassin  and  Nicolette;  there  the  true 
lover's  knot  of  Orpheus  and  Eurydice,  or  the 
overlapping  hearts  of  Abelard  and  Heloise. 
Crossing  a  stile  we  wander  by  the  brookside, 
or  pause  for  a  while  at  the  old  Ruined  Mill  to 
count  the  Shooting  Stars. 

FLORA 

THE  flowers  in  Arcady  are  perennial  and 
bloom  all  the  year  round.  There  are  roses  for 
every  stage  of  the  game,  from  the  blush  rose  to 
the  Bride  Rose.  There  are  moss  roses  for  those 
who  love  old-fashioned  flowers,  and  the  Last 
Rose  of  Summer  is  a  variety  much  admired  by 
Romanticists.  There  are  many  old-fashioned 
gardens  in  Arcady,  and  here  may  be  seen  Bleed- 
ing Hearts,  Forget-me-nots,  Love-Lies-BIeeding, 

[41] 


THE     LOVER      S     BAEDEKER 

Pansies  for  Thoughts,  and  Rosemary  for  Remem- 
brance. There  is  also  Heartsease  and  Rue. 
There  are  lanes  of  lilacs  and  orchards  of  apple 
bloom.  There  are  daisy  fields  and  groves  of 
orange  trees  in  blossom.  Wild  flowers  grow 
everywhere  and  mistletoe  is  indigenous.  In 
the  flower-shops  may  be  bought  orchids  or  vio- 
lets in  wealthy  effects.  In  the  Souvenir  Shops 
one  may  find  pressed  or  dried  flowers,  and 
these  are  much  in  demand.  Poppies  grow  wild 
along  the  banks  of  the  Lethe  River,  and  the 
moon-flower  flourishes  in  many  gardens. 


42 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 


THE  ARCADIAN   LANGUAGE  OF   FLOWERS 

ASTERS  —  I  am  very  wealthy. 
STOCK  —  I  have  been  successful  in  Wall  Street. 
PHLOX  —  I  shear  Iambs. 
RUBBER  PLANT  —  I  love  to  look  at  you. 
DAISY  —  You're  it. 
BURR  —  I'm  stuck  on  you. 
OYSTER  PLANT  —  Will  you  dine  with  me? 
MINT  —  Do  you  live  in  Philadelphia? 
ANISE  —  Cordially  yours. 
COSMOS  —  You're  all  the  world  to  me. 
MARIGOLD  —  I  mean  business. 
POPPY  —  May  I  speak  to  your  father? 
ORCHIDS  —  I  am  extravagant. 
PALM  —  Will  you  accept  my  hand? 
TUBEROSES  —  May  you  die  soon. 
BLUEBELL  —  I  will  telephone  you. 

MOCK  ORANGE   BLOSSOMS  —  I   am   only   flirting   with 
you. 

MOON  FLOWERS  • —  I'm  just  crazy  about  you. 
Box  —  Will  you  go  to  the  opera  with  me? 


43 


THE       LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 


HOTELS 

THE  hotels  in  Arcady  are  excellent,  with 
large  and  well-kept  gardens,  rose-embowered 
lawns,  ivy-hung  turrets,  and  all  requirements 
of  Romance. 

In  the  interior  of  the  town  is  Halcyon  Hall, 
owned  by  the  Lovemore  Company.  This  is 
a  new  and  sumptuous  hotel,  fitted  up  with  a 
careful  attention  to  detail,  which  combines 
eighteenth-century  romance  with  nineteenth- 
century  convenience.  Among  its  advantages 
over  the  older  hostelries  are: 

An  Express  Elevator  to  the  Seventh  Heaven, 
and  a  Dream  Interpreter  Call  and  United 
States  Valentine  Chute  on  every  floor.  It 
is  also  lighted  by  an  Automatic  Electric 
Moon. 

Other  important  hotels  are  Orchid  Court, 
Honeymoon  Hall,  and  Violet  Villa. 

The  Grand  Union  is  an  old  and  well-known 
hotel  for  married  lovers.  Less  pretentious  hos- 

[44] 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

telries  are  the  bijou  Villa  Beaubelle,  Starlight 
Cottage,  and  Cupid's  Court. 

There  are  many  Inns,  both  quaint  and  inter- 
esting. Their  swinging  sign-boards  announce 
such  appropriate  appellations  as  "Arms  and 
the  Man,"  "The  Moon  and  I,"  or  "The  World 
is  Mine." 

The  St.  Valentine  Apartment  House,  situ- 
ated on  Good  Times  Square,  is  a  residential 
building  of  the  first  class. 

RESTAURANTS:  These  institutions  are  not 
specially  popular  in  Arcady,  as  the  inhabitants 
rarely  have  large  appetites.  Indeed,  waiters 
often  set  artificial  viands  before  their  patrons, 
and  the  difference  is  not  observed. 

Guests  are  always  overcharged,  as  the  true 
Lover  has  no  thought  of  what  he  is  paying  and 
settles  any  bill  without  a  murmur. 

A  very  popular  table  d'hote  service  consists 
of  Bread  and  Cheese  and  Kisses,  and  the  par- 
takers thereof  drink  to  each  other  only  with 
their  eyes  and  leave  a  kiss  in  the  cup,  so  that 
wine  is  never  asked  for. 

[45] 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

SWEET  SHOPS:  These  shops  are  well  patron- 
ized and  their  wares  include  nectar,  honey, 
angel-cakes,  taffy,  kisses,  and  sweets  of  all  sorts. 
Orders  are  filled  also  for  wedding-cakes,  and 
very  soft  drinks  are  served  in  loving-cups. 


46] 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

HEARD   IN  ARCADY 

MUSIC    IN   THE   GRASS 
I 

1 N  the  summer  of  the  summer,  when  the  hazy  air  is  sweet 
With  the  breath  of  crimson  clover,  and  the  day's  a-shine 

with  heat, 
When  the  sky  is  blue  and  burning  and  the  clouds  a  downy 

mass, 

When  the  breeze  is  idly  dawdling,  there  is  music  in  the 
grass  — 

Just  a  thistly,  whistly  sound 
In  the  tangles  near  the  ground; 

And  the  flitting  fairies  often  stop  to  listen  as  they  pass. 
Just  a  lisping,  whisp'ring  tune, 
Like  a  bumblebee's  bassoon, 
In  a  far-away  fantasia,  is  the  music  in  the  grass. 

II 

Would   you    know   what    makes   the    music?     On    each 

slender,  quivering  blade 
There  are  notes  and  chords  and  phrases  by  the  bees  and 

crickets  played; 
And  the  grasshoppers  and  locusts  strive  each  other  to 

surpass 

[47] 


THE     LOVER      S     BAEDEKER 

In  their  brave  interpretation  of  the  music  in  the  grass. 
By  the  roguish  breezes  tossed 
You  might  think  it  would  get  lost, 

But  the  careful  fairies  guard  it,  watching  closely  as  they 
pass. 

So  on  every  summer  day, 
Sounding  faint  and  far  away, 

Is  the  mystic,   murmuring  marvel  of  the  music  in  the 
grass. 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 


DITHYRAMB  BY  AN  ARCADIAN   POET 

TO   A    MILKMAID    IN    ARCADY 

I  HAIL  thee,  O  Milkmaid! 
Goddess  of  the  gaudy  morn,  Hail! 
Across  the  mead  tripping, 
Invariably  across  the  mead  tripping, 
The  merry  mead  with  cowslips  blooming, 
With  daisies  blooming, 
The  Milkmaid  also  more  or  less  blooming! 
I  hail  thee,  O  Milkmaid! 

I  recognize  the  value  of  thy  pail  in  literature  and  art. 
What  were  a  pastoral  poet  without  thee? 
Oh,  I  know  thee,  Milkmaid! 
I  hail  thy  jaunty  juvenescence. 

I  know  thy  eighteen  summers  and  thy  eternal  springs. 
Ay,  I  know  thy  trials! 

I  know  how  thou  art  outspread  over  pastoral  poetry. 
Rampant,    ubiquitous,    inevitable,    thy    riotings    in    pas- 
toral poetry. 

And  in  masterpieces  of  pastoral  art! 
How  oft  have  I  seen  thee  sitting; 
On  a  tri-Iegged  stool  sitting; 
On  the  wrong  side  of  the  cow  sitting; 
Garbed  in  all  thy  preposterous  paraphernalia. 
I  know  thy  paraphernalia  — 

[49] 


THE     LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

Yea,  even  thy  impossible  milkpail  and  thy  improbable 

bodice. 

Short-skirted  Siren! 
Big-hatted  Beauty! 

What  were  the  gentle  spring  without  thee? 
I  hail  thee! 
I    hail   thy   vernality,    and    I    rejoice   in   thy   hackneyed 

ubiquitousness. 

I  hail  the  superiority  of  thy  inferiorness,  and 
I  lay  at  thy  feet  this  garland  of  gratuitous 
Hails! 

CONVEYANCES 

ARCADY  is  oftenest  traversed  on  foot,  as 
Lovers  would  rather  stroll  together  through  the 
beautiful  country  than  to  ride,  and  many  of 
them  walk  on  air.  But,  if  desired,  any  vehicle 
for  two  may  be  obtained  at  the  Livery  Stables. 
Old-fashioned  sidebar  buggies  and  hansom  cabs 
are  much  in  demand,  and  some  swains  still  enjoy 
a  bicycle  built  for  two. 

On  the  water  all  sorts  of  boats  are  used. 
On  moonlight  nights  and  balmy  afternoons, 
and  also  in  the  radiant  glow  of  the  early  morn- 
ing, the  lakes  and  streams  are  dotted  with  Shal- 

[50] 


ON     THE     WATER    ALL     SORTS     OF     BOATS    ARE    USED 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 


HEARTS    REPAIRED 
WHILE   YOU  WAIT 


CUPIDS     HEART WARE    SHOP 


53 


THE     LOVER      S     BAEDEKER 

lops,  Cockle-Shells,  or  Gondolas,  in  which  loving 
pairs  are  idly  drifting. 

Also,  at  the  Livery  Stables,  palfreys  may 
be  engaged  for  eloping  purposes,  or  chargers 
may  be  hired  by  the  Lover  of  medieval  tastes, 
and  rope  ladders  are  sold  or  rented  for  these 
occasions. 

SHOPS 

THE  Arcadian  shops  offer  delightful  wares  to 
a  doting  Lover.  Flower-markets  and  candy- 
shops  show  tempting  display  windows,  and 
book-stalls  can  supply  presentation  editions 
of  all  the  love-lore  ever  written  from  Sappho 
to  the  present  day.  The  jewel-shops  are  mar- 
vels of  splendor,  and  the  Arcady  arcades  and 
bazaars  show  love-tokens  and  souvenirs  of  all 
sorts.  An  interesting  place  to  visit  is  Dan 
Cupid's  Heartware  shop,  where  charms,  love- 
philters,  and  true-love  knots  are  for  sale.  There 
is  also  a  repairing  department,  where  broken 
hearts  are  mended  and  made  as  good  as  new. 
Here  hearts  may  be  repaired  while  you  wait. 


54 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 


A, 


CUPID'S  SALE 


.MID  their  annual  display 
Of  roses,  doves,  and  darts, 
Cupid  and  Co.  announce  today 
A  Bargain  Sale  of  Hearts. 

Ho,  luckless  suitor  lachrymose, 
Ho,  lacklove  lovelorn  swain, 

Gallants  rejected  and  morose, 
Hearts  you  may  here  obtain. 

Rare  specimens  that  must  be  sold, 

One  that  is  pure  and  true; 
One,  an  antique,  exceeding  old, 

But  quite  as  good  as  new. 

And  as  we  know  there'll  be  a  crowd 

Before  the  day  is  done, 
No  single  buyer  is  allowed 

To  purchase  more  than  one. 

A  man  might  find  'mong  broken  hearts 

A  fitting  mate  for  his; 
Dan  Cupid  mends  with  skilful  arts 

And  sells  them  cheap  "as  is." 

[55] 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

Then  as  you  take  your  walks  abroad, 

Ho,  all  ye  lovers,  stop! 
And  view  these  bargains  which  we  laud 

At  Cupid's  Heartware  Shop. 

The  gloveshop  is  a  popular  emporium,  for 
gloves  are  so  often  given  or  confiscated,  for 
souvenirs,  that  they  must  be  continually  re- 
placed. 

Mittens,  also  used  as  gifts,  are  for  sale  here. 

In  the  bookshops  the  best  selling  titles  are 
"How  to  Make  Love  and  How  to  Keep  It," 
"Sonnets  from  the  Portuguese,"  'The  Lover's 
Lexicon.'' 


56] 


AND      GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 


O 


CUPID'S   BILL 


NE  summer  day,  poor  little  Cupid 

Sat  sadly  poring  o'er  his  slate. 
"I  fear  I  must  be  very  stupid," 
He  said,  and  shook  his  curly  pate. 

And  then  he  ran  away  to  Venus. 

"Dear  mother,  help  me!  if  you  will, 
I'm  sure,"  he  cried,  "that  we  between  us 

Can  straighten  out  Sir  Strephon's  bill." 

Said  Venus,  "Just  as  I  expected! 

You  always  do  make  such  a  fuss 
With  bills!"     But  soon  it  was  corrected. 

And  the  account  was  rendered  thus: 

Sir  Strephon  — 

To  Dan  Cupid,  Dr., 

To  shooting  at  six  maidens'  hearts. 
To  making  one  blue  silken  fetter. 

To  half  a  dozen  blunted  darts. 

To  seven  arrows,  lost  or  broken. 
To  one  heart  by  a  blunder  hit. 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

To  one  new  bow.     To  one  love-token. 
Terms  cash.     No  credit.     Please  remit. 

"Hasten,"  cried  Venus,  "do  not  tarry! 

Today  is  Strephon's  wedding-day. 
Unless  he  settle  e'er  he  marry, 

Cupid  may  whistle  for  his  pay." 


INSTITUTIONS  AND   PUBLIC  BUILDINGS 

PLACES  OF  INTEREST:  A  \valk  or  drive  round 
Arcady  will  reveal  many  points  of  interest  to  the 
traveler.  The  groves  and  dells  are  decorated 
with  beautiful  statues,  among  wThich  may  be 
noticed  Venus,  Eros,  Psyche,  Adonis,  Lothario, 
Dulcinea,  Byron,  Mrs.  Browning,  and  lovers  of 
all  times  and  ages. 

Around  the  corner  there  is  a  little  church  with 
a  chime  of  wedding  bells. 

POST-OFFICE:  The  post-office  is  in  the  heart 
of  an  old  hollow  oak  tree  at  the  corner  of  Lovers' 
Lane  and  Great  Joy  Street.  It  is  always  much 
used,  but  on  St.  Valentine's  Day  the  accommo- 
dations are  quite  inadequate. 


SA$.  •,,',' I  jiL  SHs— -^NSWjiX  M     '  I  - 


THE     GROVES     AND     DELLS     ARE     DECORATED     WITH 
BEAUTIFUL     STATUES*' 


AND      GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

The  Heart  Exchange  is  a  time-honored  insti- 
tution, and  a  circulating  library  of  hearts  is 
patronized  by  summer  girls  and  college  youths. 
The  Poet's  Corner  (corner  of  Grub  Street  and 
Maiden  Lane)  is  always  a  crowded  spot,  and 
the  Photograph  Galleries  are  well  patronized. 


61 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 


THE  INTERCEPTED  VALENTINE 


Li 


,TlTLE  Bo-peep,  will  you  be  mine? 
I  want  you  for  my  Valentine. 
You  are  my  choice  of  all  the  girls, 
With  your  blushing  cheeks  and  your  fluttering  curls, 
With  your  ribbons  gay  and  your  kirtle  neat, 
None  other  is  so  fair  and  sweet. 
Little  Bo-peep,  let's  run  away, 
And  marry  each  other  on  Midsummer  Day; 
And  ever  to  you  I'll  be  fond  and  true. 

Your  faithful  Valentine, 

Little  Boy  Blue. 

BANKS:  There  are  many  banks.  One  of  the 
best  known  is  the  bank  on  which  the  wild  thyme 
grows,  and  another  almost  equally  noted  is  the 
bank  on  which  the  moonlight  slept  so  sweetly 
in  Jessica's  time. 

There  is  a  Rainy-Day  Bank,  much  patron- 
ized by  thrifty  young  Lovers. 

Every  day  is  Bank  Holiday  in  Arcady. 

THE  HOSPITAL:  The  hospital  is  a  fine  up-to- 
date  building,  for  the  benefit  of  lovesick  swains. 
It  is  situated  on  the  corner  of  Heartbreak 

[62! 


WEATHER    BUREAU 
"FAIR    AND   SLIGHTLY    COOLER'' 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

Avenue  and  Despair  Street,  and  is  in  charge 
of  skilled  medical  men  and  well-trained  nurses. 

Special  wards  are  provided  for  the  moonstruck, 
and  padded  cells  for  Swains  suffering  from 
Love's  delirium,  or  those  frantic  Lovers  who  have 
been  bitten  by  the  Green-Eyed  Monster. 

Emergency  Specialists  provide  first  aid  to 
the  smitten,  and  Anatomical  Experts  attend 
those  who  have  had  their  heads  turned,  or  who 
have  fallen  over  head  and  ears  in  love;  while 
clever  Oculists  look  after  those  whom  Love 
has  made  blind,  or  whose  eyes  are  in  a  fine  frenzy 
rolling. 

THE  WEATHER  BUREAU:  The  weather  bureau 
in  Arcady  is  a  most  unreliable  affair. 

If  a  frown  cloud  his  lady's  face,  the  sign  to 
the  Lover  is:  "Fair  and  Slightly  Cooler." 

If  he  fail  in  any  attention  she  expected,  the  sign 
may  be  read:  "About  this  time  expect  a  frost." 

THE  CAMPO  SANTO:  The  Campo  Santo  is  a 
most  romantic  and  enjoyable  spot.  From 
earliest  times  it  has  been  the  habit  of  Lovers 
to  wander  through  a  graveyard  —  and  the 

[65] 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

cemetery  in  Arcady  so  abounds  in  romantic 
memories  that  it  is  an  Elysium  in  itself.  The 
graves  are  kept  green  of  such  historic  lovers  as 
Paris  and  Helen,  Paolo  and  Francesca,  Hero 
and  Leander;  while  the  monument  of  Romeo 
and  Juliet  is  a  veritable  shrine  and  is  always 
decked  with  fresh  flowers. 

THE  HALL  OF  FAME:  Arcady  never  tires  of 
honoring  the  memory  of  her  eminent  citizens. 

Aside  from  the  tombstones  in  the  Campo 
Santo  and  the  statues  in  the  Public  Gardens, 
there  are  Monuments  in  the  Hall  of  Fame  that 
again  perpetuate  the  memory  of  departed  Heroes 
and  Heroines  of  Romance. 

A  tablet  in  bas-relief  shows  the  despairing 
Huguenot  Lovers,  while  next  it  stands  a  sculp- 
tured group  of  ''Darby  and  Joan." 

The  lovely  Pastoral  Work,  "Cory don  and 
Phyllis,"  is  opposite  the  equally  charming  piece, 
"Strephon  and  Chloe." 

Fair  Margaret  and  Sweet  William  sleep  in 
effigy,  and  noted  Lovers  of  all  climes  and  ages 
are  represented. 

[661 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 


o. 


BALLADE  OF  ARCADY 


'H,  Life  sings  in  a  joyous  strain 

When  Cupid  holds  our  hearts  in  fee; 
The  days  such  happiness  contain, 

The  nights  bring  merry  revelry. 

Our  souls  are  tuned  to  highest  key, 
Our  hearts  from  joy  know  not  surcease;  — 

Yet  this  one  truth  comes  home  to  me, 
The  dearest  gift  of  Love  is  Peace. 

When  many  roguish  smiles  enchain, 

When  many  voices  chime  in  glee, 
An  interest  in  them  all  I  feign, 

And  each  the  fairest  seems  to  be. 

But  one  I  seek  all  earnestly, 
As  Jason  sought  the  Golden  Fleece, 

Whose  heart  would  fain  agree  with  me, 
The  dearest  gift  of  Love  is  Peace. 

My  fond  quest  has  not  been  in  vain, 
Shyly  she  listened  to  my  plea; 

And  Cupid,  peeping  at  us  twain, 
Smiled  as  I  knelt  on  bended  knee. 
From  gay  enchantments  now  I'm  free, 

I  feel  their  trifling  charms  decrease, 
[67] 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

From  all  their  blandishments  I  flee, 
The  dearest  gift  of  Love  is  Peace. 

L'ENVOI 

Sweetheart,  we've  done  with  coquetry, 
With  coy  flirtation  and  caprice; 

All  these  are  past,  —  and  now  we  see 
The  dearest  gift  of  Love  is  Peace. 


AMUSEMENTS 

THE  Mayday  Plaisance  is  a  large  Amusement 
Park  situated  on  Good  Times  Square. 

This  is  frequented  by  light-hearted  and  friv- 
olous-minded young  Arcadians,  who  enjoy  the 
amusements  provided. 

There  is  a  Captive  Aeroplane  in  the  Seventh 
Heaven,  which  makes  flights  every  half-hour. 
The  stay  in  the  Seventh  Heaven  is  necessarily 
short,  but  enthusiastic  Lovers  go  often. 

The  Descent  Into  the  Inferno  is  another 
diversion,  patronized  by  intense  or  quick-tem- 
pered pairs. 

[681 


THE    M  A  Y  D  A  Y 


IS    A     LARGE    AMUSEMENT    HARK 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

The  Well  of  Truth  is  an  interesting  feature. 

Looking  down  into  its  crystal-clear  depths, 
Lovers  learn  the  truth  about  each  other.  This 
often  causes  much  merriment,  or  the  reverse. 
(On  the  whole  it  is  a  dangerous  pastime.) 

Joy  Rides  are  usually  clandestine  and  secret. 
They  often  end  disastrously,  but  this  is  part 
of  the  fun.  Any  vehicle  may  be  used  and  any 
speed  maintained.  Oftenest  it  is  a  slow,  merely 
moving  crawl,  but  again  it  may  be  a  break-neck 
dash.  Joy  Rides  have  been  popular  in  Arcady 
for  many  centuries.  Some  have  been  immor- 
talized in  Song  and  Story.  Robert  Browning's 
"Last  Ride  Together"  is  a  stirring  tale  of  a 
Joy  Ride.  See  also  "The  Ride  of  Lochinvar" 
and  "The  Young  Lady  of  Niger." 

Bands  of  Serenaders  are  often  heard  in  the 
Mayday  Plaisance.  These  are  of  troubadour 
effect  and  sing  sad  or  tender  love  songs  to  the 
accompaniment  of  such  instruments  as  lutes, 
guitars,  bassoons,  etc.  The  audience  (in  pairs) 
are  ensconced  in  vine-hung  balconies  and  thus 
enjoy  the  appropriate  music. 

[71] 


THE     LOVER      S     BAEDEKER 

Dreamland  is  a  part  of  the  Mayday  Plais- 
ance,  and  here  young  lovers  may  indulge  in 
fairest  Day-dreams. 

Dream  Interpreters  are  here,  who  are  skilled 
in  interpreting  Love's  Young  Dream. 

One  may  choose  to  have  a  Midsummer-Night's 
Dream,  or  he  may  dream  that  he  dwelt  in  Marble 
Halls,  and,  if  waking  is  a  pain,  he  may  dream 
again.  Or,  if  Love's  Dream  is  o'er,  he  may  ask 
to  have  a  change  come  o'er  the  spirit  of  his 
Dream. 

Another  diversion  is  the  Illusion  known  as 
the  Bridal  Veil.  This  fools  many. 


72 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 


THE  OLD  STORY 


T< 


ONIGHT  I  met  Rose, 

So  it's  all  up  with  Polly. 
She  bewitches  the  beaux, 
And  tonight  I  met  Rose; 
Now  who  would  suppose 

I'd  be  caught  by  such  folly? 
But  tonight  I  met  Rose, 

So  it's  all  up  with  Polly. 


LANGUAGE 

For  those  who  wish  to  derive  the  greatest 
possible  pleasure  from,  a  visit  to  Arcady,  some 
acquaintance  with  the  Language  of  Love  is  in- 
dispensable. This  can  best  be  acquired  by  a 
careful  study  of  poetry  and  romantic  novels, 
and  about  four  hours'  practise  every  day. 
("The  Lover's  Phrase  Book"  is  a  useful  little 
treatise,  as  it  gives  four  thousand  terms  of  en- 
dearment, alphabetically  arranged,  and  is  small 
enough  to  be  carried  in  the  pocket,  for  ready 
reference,  in  case  of  love  at  first  sight.) 

[75] 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

The  Language  of  Love  is  largely  composed  of 
adjectives  and  expletives. 

Hyperbole  and  other  flowery  figures  of  speech 
abound. 

It  is  also  peculiarly  rich  in  idioms,  most  of 
which  are  generally  unintelligible,  being  made 
up  by  those  who  use  them. 

The  beginner  usually  thus  learns  the  first 
principles  of  conjugation. 

First  Person,  I  love.  This  is  a  joy  and  a 
revelation  and  he  is  the  happiest  man  on  earth. 

Second  Person,  Thou  lovest.  This  completes 
his  rapture  and  he  is  in.  Heaven. 

Third  Person,  He  loves.  This  is  known  as 
the  Tertium  Quid  and  casts  the  beginner  into 
the  depths  of  Hades. 

SOME    ARCADIAN    BROMIDIOMS 

"WHEN  did  you  first  begin  to  love  me?" 
"Do  you  love  me  as  much  as  ever?" 
''You  don't  love  me  any  more." 
"I  never  loved  any  girl  but  you." 

[76] 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

"Oh,  I  thought  I  loved  him,  but  now  I  know 
it  wasn't  really  love." 

"They  think  they're  happy,  but  they  don't 
know  what  love  means,  —  as  we  do." 

"Do  you  really  think  I'm  pretty?" 

"I  don't  see  why  you  love  me." 

"Nobody  in  all  the  world  ever  loved  as  we 
do." 

"How  did  you  come  to  love  me  in  the  first 
place?" 

"Would  you  forgive  me  anything?" 


EXERCISE   FOR  THE   LANGUAGE  STUDENT 

A    VERY    PRETTY   QUARREL 

Fl  E  —  Tell  me  you  love  me,  pretty  poppet 
SHE  —       I  love  you  more  than  you  love  me! 
HE  —  Oh,  no!     Excuse  me,  my  own  moppet; 
But  truly,  sweet,  that  cannot  be! 

SHE  —  What  cannot  be? 

HE  —  That  you  could  love  me 

More  or  as  much  as  I  love  you. 
SHE  —  Ah,  so  you  set  yourself  above  me? 

[77] 


HE-         No,  no!  not  that! 

SHE  —  Oh,  yes,  you  do! 

HE  —     Now  do  be  reasonable,  dearie. 
SHE  —        I  will  be,  sir,  if  you'll  allo\v 

I  love  you  best. 

HE  —  You  make  me  weary! 

SHE  —       Well,  just  admit  it,  anyhow. 

HE—     I  won't! 

SHE  —  If  you  did  love  me  best,  dear, 

You'd  say  whatever  I  might  ask, 
Because  I  ask  it. 
HE  —  Chuck  the  rest,  dear; 

You've  set  me  now  an  easy  task. 

SHE  —  I  love  you  best!     Is  not  that  so,  love? 
HE  —         It  is;  and  thus  we  meet  the  test 

I  say  what  you  command,  you  know,  love, 
Only  because  /  love  you  best ! 

SHE  —  You  horrid  thing! 

HE  —  Why,  what  now,  Janet? 

I  said  just  what  you  asked  me  to! 
SHE  —  You're  mean  and  cruel! 
HE-  You  began  it! 

SHE-       I  didn't!     You  did! 
HE-  No;  'twas  you! 

[78] 


AND      GUIDE     TO      ARCADY 

HE—-    Come,  dearie,  stop  this  silly  snarling; 
You  do  love  most,  I  spoke  in  jest; 
SHE  —  No,  no,  your  love  is  greatest,  darling; 
HE  —         No,  my  sweetheart,  you  love  me  best! 
(Repeat  ad  lib.  D.  C.  alfine) 

DEGREES    OF    LOVE 

Positive:  My  Own! 

Comparative:  My  Owner! 
Superlative:     My  Ownest! 

DEFINITIONS 

Forever:   until  tomorrow. 

Never:  until  tomorrow. 

Yes:  no. 

No:    yes. 

Keepsake:  any  worthless  piece  of  property. 

Absence:  a  heart  stimulant. 

Alone:  (for  one)  misery. 

Alone:  (for  two)  joy. 

XXX:  kisses. 

o  o  o  :  kisses. 

THE    SPELLING    LESSON 

WHEN  Venus  said:  "Spell  no  for  me," 
"  N-O,"  Dan  Cupid  wrote  with  glee, 
And  smiled  at  his  success; 

[79] 


THE      LOVERS      BAEDEKER 

"Ah,  child,"  said  Venus,  laughing  low, 
"We  women  do  not  spell  it  so, 
We  spell  it  Y-E-S." 


LOVE   IN  ARCADY 


W, 


HAT  to  us  is  time  or  space, 
Hours  of  absence,  days  of  grace; 

As  we  rule  and  reign  alone 

In  a  kingdom  of  our  own? 
Love  like  ours  is  up  to  date, 
Sneers  at  fortune,  conquers  Fate; 

Makes  the  loves  of  early  times 

Look  like  three  bright,  shiny  dimes. 
Couldn't  we  give  cards  and  spades 
To  historic  lovers'  shades! 

Easily  our  love  can  beat 

That  of  Faust  and  Marguerite. 
Heloise  and  Abelard 
Stooped  to  tricks  that  we'd  discard; 

Orpheus  and  Eurydice 

Only  knew  a  simple  way; 
Launcelot  and  Guinevere 
Wondering  would  our  love-songs  hear, 

And  a  few  things  we  might  show 

Juliet  and  Romeo. 
Hero  we'd  give  pointers  to, 
Teach  Leander  how  to  woo. 
[8ol 


AND      GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

I  could  coach  Semiramis, 

Trojan  Helen  teach  to  kiss. 
You'd  teach  Dante  and  Petrarch, 
Distance  Cleopatra's  Mark. 

Oh,  the  loves  of  bygone  days 

Were  not  up  to  modern  ways! 


INSENSIBILITY 


T 


HEY  tell  me  that  the  day  is  fair, 
With  blossoms  springing  everywhere; 
I  do  not  know,  I  cannot  say, 
For  thou,  my  love,  art  far  away. 

They  tell  me  that  the  birds  sing  sweet, 
That  brooklets  ripple  at  my  feet; 
I  do  not  know,  I  cannot  hear, 
For  thou,  my  love,  art  nowhere  near. 

They  tell  me  that  the  sky  is  blue, 
The  hills  take  on  a  purple  hue; 
I  do  not  know,  I  cannot  see, 
For  thou,  my  love,  art  not  with  me. 


81 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 


BIOGRAPHICAL  SKETCH  OF  CUPID 


so  many  years  ago, 
When  Cupid  was  quite  young,  you  know, 
There  were  no  schools  at  all,  and  so, 

Athirst  for  information, 
Each  day  the  funny  little  chap 
Would  climb  up  in  Dame  Venus'  lap, 
And  study  from  a  book  or  map 

To  get  his  education. 

He  traced  in  his  Geography 
The  Primrose  Path  to  Arcady; 
He  bounded  Agapemone, 

And  Flowery  Fields  Elysian. 
Then,  his  Arithmetic  begun, 
He  learned  that  one  and  one  make  one, 
That  one  from  two  leaves  simply  none, 

And  Love  abhors  division. 

From  Botany  he  learned  to  know 
The  value  of  the  mistletoe, 
And  why  a  rose  is  cherished  so, 

Even  when  it  is  faded. 
Rhetoric  taught  him  how  to  say 
Fair  speeches  in  a  pretty  way; 
And  if  a  lass  should  murmur  "Nay," 

How  she  must  be  persuaded. 
[82! 


AND     GUIDE     TO      ARCADY 

On  History's. thrilling  page  he  met 
With  Romeo  and  Juliet, 
Brave  Aucassin  and  Nicolette, 

And  other  hearts  devoted. 
Then  in  Astronomy  he  found 
What  'tis  that  makes  the  world  go  round, 
And  why  the  moon  is  so  renowned, 

And  shooting  stars  are  noted. 

In  Grammar  Cupid  had  to  say 

"I  love,  thou  lov'st,  he  loves,"  each  day, 

And  learn  of  hearts  declined,  that  they 

Can  still  be  conjugated. 
He  studied  the  Industrial  Arts, 
Became  adept  at  mending  hearts, 
Right  skilfully  he  fashioned  darts, 

And  wondrous  love-knots  plaited. 

A  Magic  course  he  had  to  take, 

And  for  sad  hearts  that  ache  or  break 

Love-philters  strange  he  learned  to  make 

From  musk  and  myrrh  and  myrtle. 
He  studied  deeply  souls  that  yearned, 
Investigated  hearts  that  burned, 
And  all  the  tricks  and  habits  learned 

Of  doves,  both  ring  and  turtle. 

And  so  Dan  Cupid  is  no  fool, 
But  he's  well  versed  in  love  and  rule, 
[83] 


THE     LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

Although  he  never  went  to  school 

And  never  went  to  college. 
He's  blind,  and  yet  the  rogue  can  see 
A  thousand  times  as  well  as  we; 
And  that's  how  Cupid  comes  to  be 

A  Paragon  of  Knowledge. 

POLITICAL    NOTES 

ARCADY  is  an  Absolute  Monarchy.  It  is 
under  Home  Rule,  and  Home  is  where  the 
Heart  is. 

Each  citizen  is  a  King  or  Queen,  and  rules 
one  subject. 

Any  Monarch  may  be  deposed  suddenly  and 
supplanted  by  another.  Beside  being  a  Mon- 
arch each  citizen  is  a  slave,  and  thus  the  bal- 
ance of  power  is  preserved. 

The  Declaration  of  Dependence  is  signed  by 
all  good  Arcadians. 


B, 


ARCADIAN   LAWS 


sure  you're  right  then  lose  your  head. 
A  fool  and  his  money  are  soon  married. 
A  little  debutante  is  a  dangerous  thing. 
Proposals  make  cowards  of  us  all. 
[84] 


AND     GUIDE      TO      ARCADY 

There's  no  fool  like  a  bold  fool. 

The  longest  way  round  is  the  sweetest  way  home. 

One  good  kiss  deserves  another. 

'Tis  love  that  makes  the  man  come  round. 

Kisses  speak  louder  than  words. 

People  who  live  in  glass  houses  shouldn't  hold  hands. 

The  woman  who  deliberates  is  won. 

Where  there's  a  will  there's  a  wedding. 


THERE  is  a  tradition  of  Arcadian  simplicity  in 
dress,  but  it  is  not  always  observed.  The  men, 
unless  Poets,  are  often  most  careful  dressers, 
and  the  women  deck  themselves  in  whatever 
garb  they  deem  most  attractive  to  men. 

White  muslin  with  blue  ribbons  is  a  popular 
costume,  and  "some  sort  of  white,  shimmering 
stuff"  is  much  used  for  gowns. 

Some  women  are  clever  enough  to  please  the 
men  by  wearing  all  black  or  all  white,  and  the 
hats  are  invariably  large  black  ones  or  broad- 
leafed,  rose-decked  straws. 

Sunshades,  fans,  floating  scarfs,  and  many 
coy  adjuncts  or  fripperies  of  dress  are  seen, 
and  flowers  are  much  worn  or  carried. 


O. 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 


THEN  AND  NOW 


'H,  would  I  had  lived  in  Arcadian  days, 
When  maidens  had  not  such  extravagant  ways, 

When  Daphne  and  Doris 

And  Chloe  and  Chloris 

Would  laugh  with  delight  o'er  a  ribbon  of  blue 
Or  a  glittering  buckle  to  wear  on  a  shoe. 

But  the  girl  of  today  cares  nothing  at  all 
For  a  trivial  gift  that  is  simple  or  small; 

And  Ethel  and  Bessie 

And  Gertrude  and  Jessie 

Will  only  approve  of  the  presents  I've  brought 
If  I  spend  (and  I  shall!)  ten  times  more  than  I  ought. 


86 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 


WALKS 

DELIGHTFUL  walks  abound  in  Arcady  and 
its  environs. 

If  unaccustomed  to  its  devious  ways,  it  is 
perhaps  better  to  engage  the  services  of  an 
experienced  Guide,  which  may  be  had  for  a 
song. 

Nature  Lovers  enjoy  the  walk  out  on  the  old 
Romany  Road,  across  the  Field  of  Four-Leafed 
Clover  toward  the  Forest  of  Arden. 

A  more  Sentimental  Journey  is  along  the 
Primrose  Way,  up  Primrose  Hill,  and  on,  be- 
yond the  Night,  across  the  Day,  thus  following 
the  Course  of  True  Love.  Though  this  never 
runs  smooth,  it  is  often  attempted  by  young 
Lovers,  who  sometimes  persevere  along  the  way 
and  sometimes  get  sidetracked. 

To  Friends'  Shipyard  is  a  pleasant  stroll  for 
an  idle  summer  day.  Here  may  be  seen  the 
Sailor  laddies  making  knots.  True  lover's  knots 
may  be  bought  here  and  carried  away  as 
souvenirs. 

[87] 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

Another  attractive  walk  is  along  Wall  Street. 
A  delightful  wall,  full  of  nooks  and  crannies 
and  overhung  with  blossoming  vines,  runs  all 
along  this  street.  At  the  corner  of  Moonshine 
Avenue  is  a  beautiful  monument  representing 
Pyramus  and  Thisbe. 

A  pleasant  short  ramble  is  along  Amourette 
Avenue,  past  the  Cosy  Corners,  to  a  Bower  of 
Roses  by  Bendemeer's  Stream.  The  stream 
may  be  crossed  by  the  Rustic  Bridges  or  by  the 
Stepping  Stones,  both  being  equally  romantic. 


"TRUE  LOVER'S  KNOTS  MAY  BE  BOUGHT  HERE" 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 


OLD  VALENTINES 


H 


rapidly  Time  shifts  the  scene. 

Again  it  is  St.  Cupid's  day, 
And  I  must  send  to  my  Rosine 

A  gorgeous  valentine  bouquet. 

Last  year  I  sent  the  same  to  May  — • 
Heigh-ho!  I've  led  a  blithe  career  — 

They'd  make  a  rather  long  array, 
My  valentines  of  yester-year. 

In  years  beginning  with  18 — 

I  was  unfettered,  free,  and  gay 
Each  maiden  seemed  to  me  a  queen, 

And  to  each  one  my  court  I'd  pay. 

Now  I'm  engaged.     Ah,  well-away! 
Rosina  is  a  perfect  dear, 

But  I  would  better  not  display 
My  valentines  of  yester-year. 

No  memories  shall  come  between 
My  love  and  me.      And  I'll  essay 

To  keep  her  life  calm  and  serene, 

And  love  her  when  she's  old  and  gray: 
Her  lightest  wish  I  will  obey, 

But  still  — •  I  hope  she'll  never  hear 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

Those  verses  that  I  wrote  in  play, 
My  valentines  of  yester-year. 

L' ENVOI 

Cupid,  my  secrets  ne'er  betray, 

Let  me  not  realize  my  fear; 
And  may  they  be  destroyed,  I  pray, 

My  valentines  of  yester-year. 


92 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

BUSINESS  SECTION 

THE  Business  Sectibn  of  Arcady  is  on  Wise 
Acre  Square,  just  South  of  Wall  Street.  Here 
may  be  found  the  Great  Heart  Trust,  the  Un- 
bounded Trust  Company,  and  the  offices  of 
the  Trust  Her  Not  Association.  These  Com- 
panies issue  United  States  Bonds  of  Matrimony 
upon  application. 

The  Court  of  Appeals  and  the  Supreme  Court 
are  busy  places,  and  in  their  courtyards  sweet- 
hearts may  be  seen  courting  at  any  time  during 
business  hours. 

They  receive  and  negotiate  Sealed  Proposals 
and  Bids  and  draw  up  Marriage  contracts. 

In  the  Flat  Irony  Building  are  the  offices  of 
the  Love  Insurance  Company,  the  Arcady 
Ideal  Estate  Company,  and  other  such  organi- 
zations, whose  advertisements  may  be  found 
at  the  end  of  this  volume. 


93 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 


IT  HAPPENED   IN  ARCADY 

THE  GREAT  HEART  TRUST 

WHAT  is  the  matter,  Kiddums?"  said 
Dame  Venus,  as  Cupid  entered  her 
boudoir,  with  his  blue  ribbon  untied 
and  limply  dragging  behind  him,  and  his  eyes 
shining  through  big  tears,  like  bluebirds  taking 
a  bath. 

"Mother,  I'm  a  ruined  man,"  and  Cupid 
flung  himself  into  his  own  little  chair,  with  a 
Delsarte  gesture  expressive  of  deepest  dejection. 

"What  now,  what  now,  my  child?"  gently 
inquired  his  beautiful  parent,  holding  her  hand- 
mirror  a  little  to  one  side,  that  she  might  better 
perceive  her  troubled  offspring. 

"Why,  just  this.  Some  of  those  fools  of 
finance  have  organized  a  Great  Heart  Trust." 

"Oh,  Cupid,  not  really!  Then  your  occupa- 
tion is  indeed  gone!  They  have  taken  the 
very  hearts  out  of  your  mouth!" 

"Yes,  Mother;  and  aside  from  the  loss  of 
[94] 


AND     GUIDE     TO      ARCADY 

my  business,  just  think  how  horrid  it  is  to  com- 
mercialize it  so!  Why,  I  went  to  their  office 
to  make  sure  the  report  was  true,  and  there 
they  were,  those  horrible  magnets,  —  or  what- 
ever they  call  them,  --huddled  round  a  ticker, 
and  yelling  out  to  one  another  such  things  as 
these:  'Loyal  Hearts  preferred.  Chicago  mak- 
ing bold  advance;  sharp  dealings  noticed.  Col- 
orado Springs  Hearts  failed  to  rally;  feeling 
weak  and  generally  depressed;  later,  showed  a 
slight  reaction.  Spinsters,  no  demand.'  I  don't 
know  what  it  all  means,  I'm  sure;  but  I  see  my 
finish,  and  I  may  as  well  break  my  arrows  and 
unstring  my  bow." 

With  a  Delsarte  gesture  of  vindictiveness 
and  despair,  Cupid  doubled  up  his  rosy,  dimpled 
knee  and  snapped  an  arrow  across  it,  throw- 
ing the  pieces  on  the  floor.  Then  he  began  to 
unstring  his  beautiful,  curved  bow. 

Venus  looked  sympathetically  at  her  only 
son. 

"Perhaps,"  she  began,  "it  isn't  as  bad  as  you 
think,  dear.  Perhaps,  - 

"Now,  isn't  that  just  like  a  woman!"  ex- 
[95] 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

claimed  Cupid,  his  round  pink  cheeks  growing 
rounder  and  pinker  as  he  stormed  on.  "I 
just  guess,  Mother,  if  you  had  been  down  to 
the  Heart  Exchange  and  had  heard  and  seen 
what  I  did,  you  wouldn't  say,  'Perhaps  and 
perhaps.'  Why,  I  strolled  over  to  listen  to  two 
of  the  magnets  talking.  One  man  said  there 
was  a  corner  in  the  matrimonial  market  and 
the  other  said  he  was  too  visionary,  for  that 
market  wasn't  at  all  affected  by  the  Heart 
Trust.  He  said  it  was  only  a  question  of  a  deal 
in  futures.  I  don't  know  what  they  mean  by 
such  talk  as  that." 

"I'm  sure  I  don't  either,  Cupid,"  said  Venus, 
laying  down  her  mirror;  for  she  had  begun  to 
realize  that  the  question  was  serious  and  she 
must  give  it  her  undivided  attention,  which  is 
a  difficult  matter  for  a  real  Venus.  "Tell  me 
more,  Son." 

"Well,  I  looked  over  a  man's  shoulder,  and 
he  was  reading  from  another  of  those  ticker 
things.  He  \vas  a  horrid  man,  not  the  kind  I 
like  to  deal  with,  at  all.  He  read  things  like 
this:  'Summer  Girls.  Sensational  Advances. 

[96] 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

No  Reserve.     Public  Wary.     Actresses  not  well 
supported,  but  best  of  financial  backing;  good 

6y  » 
gures. 

"But,  Cupid,  dearie,  you're  not  interested  in 
hearts  like  those,  I  hope." 

"Now,  Mother,  you  know  perfectly  well  that 
a  man  in  my  business  position  is  obliged  to  deal 
in  all  sorts  of  hearts.  And  I've  always  had 
a  monopoly  of  the  market.  Now  the  Great 
Heart  Trust  has  spoiled  my  trade  entirely." 
He  broke  another  arrow  across  his  knee  and  his 
quiver  seemed  to  have  transferred  itself  to  his 
rosy  lips. 

"But,  Son,"  began  Venus,  hopefully, 
"doesn't  this  affect  city  hearts  only?  Can't 
you  go  to  the  country,  and  in  the  flowery  fields 
and  lovers'  lanes  find  all  the  business  you  can 
attend  to?" 

"No,  Mother,"  and  the  curly  head  drooped 
like  a  dandelion  at  midday.  'This  Great 
Heart  Trust  is  universal.  I  stole  a  look  at  one 
of  their  papers  this  morning,  and  one  column 
was  headed  'Rural  Reports.'  Then  it  said: 
'Country  depressed,  dull;  moving  slowly.  Do- 

[97] 


THE     LOVER      S     BAEDEKER 

mestic  Products  quiet  and  well-behaved;  in 
great  demand.  Southern  peach  crop  very  fine; 
quickly  snapped  up.'  I  can't  understand  all 
their  queer  terms,  but  I  suppose  I  shall  have 
to  learn  them." 

"Yes,  Cupid,  do  that.  Meet  them  on  their 
own  ground  and  fight  them  with  their  own 
weapons.  You  know  more  about  hearts  than 
they  do;  think  of  your  long  experience." 

"Oh,  Mother!  Imagine  me  occupying  a  seat 
in  the  Heart  Exchange!  Why,  I'd  have  to  wear 
a  ticker  ribbon  instead  of  my  blue  sash.  No, 
I  never  could  learn  their  language.  Why,  they 
talk  like  this:  'Coquettes'  hearts,  Common 
stock;  a  declining  movement  shows  a  hardening 
tendency,  but  the  stock  is  unsteady,  with  excit- 
ing effects.'  And  not  only  our  own  people  are 
concerned,  but  they  quote  prices  on  Foreign 
Hearts,  and,  Mother,  the  rates  are  almost  pro- 
hibitive. Then  one  report  said,  'Fiancees' 
Hearts;  do  not  fear  local  pressure!'  Now  what 
can  such  talk  mean?  Then  it  said:  'Boston. 
(See  Ice  Trust.)'  No,  Mother,  it's  no  use;  I 
can't  understand  their  jargon." 

[98] 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

"But,  Cupid,  you  can  learn.  The  age  is 
progressive  and  you  must  keep  up  with  it. 
You  know  yourself  that  for  some  time  your 
methods  of  dealing  in  hearts  have  been  consid- 
ered old-fashioned.  Now  you  must  try  more 
up-to-date  ways." 

"But,  Mother,  some  reports  are  so  sad. 
Their  paper  said  today  that  there  were  many 
heart  failures  reported.  Why,  one  heart  broke 
at  sixty  —  during  a  period  of  depression!  And 
then  they  quoted  'Hearts  Bowed  Down.'  That 
seemed  to  be  a  falling  market,  writh  heavy  sales. 
Several  hearts  were  lost  or  stolen,  and  altogether 
it  made  me  feel  panic-stricken.  And  \vhat  do 
you  think,  they  quoted  'Husbands'  as  inclined 
to  firmness,  but  showing  bearish  indications! 
No,  it's  all  out  of  my  line.  I  know  my  busi- 
ness, I've  practised  it  many,  many  years,  and 
I'm  too  old  to  learn  new  tricks." 

Venus  looked  at  her  son  in  much  the  same  way 
that  any  mother  looks  at  her  child  when  she 
knows  she  can  help  him  out  of  his  difficulty. 

"You  dear,  silly  child,"  she  said,  "you're 
needlessly  alarmed.  Every  trust  must  have 

[99]  * 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

its  day,  but  they  all  fail  sooner  or  later.  Bide 
your  time,  and  after  a  while  you'll  find  that  the 
trust  is  all  over,  and  you  can  carry  on  the  game 
in  your  own  sweet  way.  I  have  heard  of  some 
kind  of  a  queer  machine,--!  think  it's  called 
a  'trust  buster,' -- invented  just  on  purpose  to 
break  up  these  trusts.  I'll  get  you  one.  Now 
kiss  me  and  run  away  and  play." 

Venus  picked  up  her  mirror  again  and  sat 
gazing  at  her  beautiful  nose  in  rapt  admiration 
of  that  classic  member. 

Cupid  cheered  up  considerably.  "Mother, 
you're  a  blessing,"  he  said,  as  he  kissed  the  tip 
of  her  ear.  "But,"  he  added,  as  he  ran  away  to 
chase  butterflies,  "after  this  trust-buster  thing 
has  done  its  smashing,  wont  I  have  a  time  mend- 
ing all  the  broken  hearts!" 


100 


CALAMITOUS  CATASTROPHE 

DIRE    DESTRUCTION    AND    DEPLORABLE    DISASTER 

DESOLATION    AND    DEVASTATION    CAUSED    BY    AN 
APPALLING    AIRQUAKE 

THOUSANDS    OF    CASTLES    IN    THE    AIR    OVERTHROWN 
AND    DEMOLISHED 

(From  our  own  correspondent) 

ARCADY:     A     terrible     airquake     has 
wrought    havoc    in    the  densely  popu- 
lated  atmosphere   above   this  locality. 
Without  a  word  of  warning,  noble  and  beauti- 
ful castles  in  the  air  went  toppling  to  their  ruin. 
Though  difficult  to  get  details  in  these  first 
hours   of  confusion   and   distress,    it   is   known 
that  the  sumptuous  air  castle  built  by  Claude 
Melnotte  for  the  Lady  of  Lyons  is  entirely  demol- 
ished.    The  devastated  area  is  widespread,  and 
from  the  most  magnificent  dream  of  marble  halls 
to  the  humblest  vision  of  love  in  a  cottage,  all 
of  the  Chateaux  en  Espagne  have  fallen.     It  is 
feared  that  many  loves  have  been  lost  in  the 
ruins.     Even  now  the  agents  of  the  Love  Insur- 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

ance  Company  are  on  the  spot  estimating  the 
casualties.  Many  of  the  survivors  declare  they 
will  rebuild  at  the  earliest  possible  moment. 
Indeed,  it  may  safely  be  predicted  that  new  and 
more  elaborate  and  beautiful  castles  in  the  air 
will  soon  take  the  place  of  the  old  ones.  Among 
the  debris  of  ruined  hopes  and  shattered  ideals, 
pathetic  sights  may  be  seen.  Here  a  broken 
resolution  sticks  up  through  the  mass  of  frag- 
ments, there  a  broken  promise;  and  everywhere 
are  fallen  idols  and  upset  plans.  The  explorer 
is  menaced  by  pits  of  boiling  imagination  and 
fine  frenzies  rolling.  But  relief  supplies  are 
already  being  received.  A  ship,  with  Youth 
at  the  helm  and  Pleasure  at  the  prow,  has  just 
come  into  the  harbor,  bringing  a  cargo  of  fresh 
hopes  and  such  stuff  as  dreams  are  made  of. 

Owing  to  the  prevalence  of  mirage  it  is  diffi- 
cult to  give  definite  statistics;  but  the  pot  of 
gold  at  the  end  of  the  rainbow  is  still  visible, 
and  the  sanguine,  light-hearted  people  have 
already  begun  to  rear  anew  their  castles  in 
the  air. 

From  the  Arcadian  News 

[102] 


ADVERTISEMENTS 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 


PERSONALLY    CONDUCTED    HONEY- 
MOON   TOURS 

BILLINGS    &    COO,    PROPRIETORS 

WHY  trouble  yourself  with  the  details  of 
traveling  and  its  paraphernalia,  at  a  time  when 
your  heart,  mind,  and  soul  are  all  absorbed  in 
other  matters? 

Why  descend  to  the  sordid  buying  of  tickets 
and  checking  of  luggage,  when  your  spirit  is 
soaring  in  realms  of  Empyrean  bliss? 

Why  puzzle  over  the  baffling  intricacies  of  a 
time-table,  when  you  can  be  looking  into  the 
lustrous  orbs  of  your  Bride? 

Why  suffer  the  irritating  Emergencies  of 
Travel,  when  your  way  may  be  made  a  path  of 
Roses  by  embarking  on  one  of  our  Personally 
Conducted  Wedding  Trips? 

All  Routes  to  suit  all  Temperaments! 

The  Totally  Oblivious  are  piloted  safely 
through  a  hackneyed  and  uneventful  Trip. 

The  Fearfully  Embarrassed  are  shielded  and 
screened  from  unpleasant  observation. 

[  104] 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

The  Ostentatiously  Happy  are  paraded  in 
public  and  brought  into  delightful  prominence 
on  trains  and  in  hotels. 

The  Blissfully  Enraptured  are  conducted  to 
Sentimental  Spots  and  on  Romantic  Rambles. 

One  of  D.  Cupid's  Own  Guides,  in  Blue  Rib- 
bon Uniform,  takes  entire  charge  of  each  Happy 
Couple  and  attends  to  all  details  of  the  Trip. 
At  the  request  of  the  Bride  he  will  write  letters 
home  to  her  mother  from  every  stopping-place 
or  will,  at  the  order  of  the  Bridegroom,  extend 
his  Letters  of  Credit  or  telegraph  his  bank  for 
more  funds. 

These  Tours  are  entirely  de  luxe.  The  routes 
are  strewn  with  roses  all  the  way.  Sunshiny 
and  balmy  weather  guaranteed.  Not  one  bored 
moment,  or  Money  Refunded. 

Write  at  once  for  Prospectus. 

BILLINGS  &  Coo 

THE  BRIDAL  PATH 

ORANGE  BLOSSOM   PARK 


105 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 


MUTUAL-BENEFIT  LOVE-INSURANCE 
COMPANY 

LOVERS,  Attention!  Is  your  love  insured? 
Other  loves  are  dead;  your  love  may  die.  You 
insure  your  life,  your  house,  your  barns.  Why 
not  insure  your  love? 

This  company  is  incorporated  under  the  laws 
of  the  United  States,  and  its  affairs  are  con- 
ducted by  a  board  of  directors,  including  some 
of  our  best  known  poets  and  novelists,  and  it 
is  approved  in  all  respects  by  the  board  of  under- 
paid writers. 

MEMBERSHIP:  Any  lover  between  the  ages  of 
eighteen  and  seventy,  of  sound  body  and  (other- 
wise) sound  mind,  in  good  health  (excepting 
such  maladies  as  are  traceable  to  the  fact  of 
his  or  her  being  in  love)  and  of  temperate  habits, 
whose  occupation  comes  within  certain  classi- 
fications hereinafter  specified,  shall  be  eligible 
to  membership. 

Policies  are  issued  only  upon  healthy,  honest 
loves  subscribed  and  sworn  to  by  both  parties 

[106! 


"THE   BLISSFULLY   ENRAPTURED   ARE    CONDUCTED   TO 
SENTIMENTAL   SPOTS'' 


AND     GUIDE     TO     ARCADY 

interested  therein,  and  guaranteed  to  be  not 
like  other  loves. 

PROHIBITED  RISKS:  Citizens  of  Chicago,  mem- 
bers of  the  theatrical  profession,  students  of 
co-educational  colleges,  naval  heroes,  and  sum- 
mer girls  are  not  eligible  to  membership,  and 
their  applications  will  not  be  considered  by  this 
company. 

Applicants  must  answer  truthfully  and  with- 
out evasion  the  following  questions: 

State  name,  including  all  nicknames  or  pet 
names  used  during  the  love  to  be  insured. 

How  long  have  you  been  in  love? 

Was  it  love  at  first  sight? 

Are  you  (i)  handsome,  (2)  good-looking,  or 
(3)  plain? 

Are  you  susceptible  to  flattery? 

Are  you  of  a  jealous  disposition? 

Have  you  ever  had  Heart-disease?  Palpita- 
tion? Melancholia?  Lover-complaint?  Blues? 
Heart-failure? 

What  is  your  occupation?  (Specify  this 
definitely.  If  a  business  man,  state  if  lady 
typewriters  are  employed,  and  if  so,  how  many 

[  109] 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

and  of  what  appearance.  Append  photographs 
if  possible.) 

Where  do  you  spend  your  vacations? 

Are  there  widows  there? 

Any  applicant  answering  these  questions  satis- 
factorily is  entitled  to  a  policy  in  our  company 
that  shall  provide  indemnity  for  the  death  of  a 
love  which,  though  it  may  now  seem  death- 
less, is  often  subject  to  mortal  injury  in  this 
uncertain  life  of  ours. 

DAN  CUPID,   Agent 

No.  7  PRIMROSE  PATH 


no  ] 


AND     GUIDE     TO      ARCADY 


AIR    CASTLES    UP    TO    DATE 

All  the  Modern  Improvements 

Spanish  Building  and  Loan  Association 

Home  is  where  the  heart  is! 

Own  your  own  home! 

Why  live  in  a  mundane  flat  when  you  can  have 
a  Castle  in  the  Air? 

At  a  small  outlay  you   may  secure  a  beautiful 
site  and  a  large  and  commodious  dwelling 

All  styles  to  suit  all  tastes! 

Love-in-a-Cottage  Type.  Rose-embowered  Porch 
Dimity-curtained  Windows.     Dream  of 

Marble  Halls 
Specially   selected   Vassals   and   Serfs.     Ruined 

Castle  Effects 
Ivy-hung   Turrets.     Secret    Staircase  to  Tower 

Write  for  circulars  and  Prospectus 

!  !  !  A  Few  desirable  plots  for  Sale  on 

Lover's  Lane!   !   ! 

[in] 


THE      LOVER      S      BAEDEKER 

La  Romanza ! 

The  magnificent  apartment  house,  corner  Arden 
Avenue  and  Paradise  Alley 

This  apartment  air  castle  is  built  and  fin- 
ished with  a  careful  attention  to  detail,  which 
combines  Eighteenth-century  Romance  with 
Nineteenth-century  convenience.  Among  its 
advantages  over  older  air  castles  are: 

Express  Elevator  to  Seventh  Heaven 

Trolley  Line  to  Arcady 

Dream  Interpreter  Call  and  United  States 
Valentine  Chute  on  every  floor 

Lighted  by  an  Automatic  Electric  Moon 

Surrounded  by  sturdy  oaks  and  clinging 
vines. 

Owing  to  the   recent  depreciations   in    Ideal 
Estate  you  may  be  interested  in 
La  Romanza  !  I ! 
Write  ]or  particulars  and  terms  to 

DAN  CUPID 

Ideal  Estate  Agent 

No.  7  PRIMROSE  PATH 

[112] 


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ADVERTISEMENT 


T 


HERE'S  a  new  heart  awaiting  a  tenant, 
To  whom  shall  its  portals  unclose? 
Dan  Cupid  is  floating  his  pennant 
At  The  Sign  of  the  Lily  and  Rose. 

This  heart  is  not  offered  for  selling, 

The  owner  all  freely  bestows 
A  hostelry  fit  for  Love's  dwelling, 

At  The  Sign  of  the  Lily  and  Rose. 

There's  a  happy  smile  caught  in  her  dimple, 

That  only  a  debutante  shows; 
And  chatter  is  guileless  and  simple 

At  the  Sign  of  the  Lily  and  Rose. 

She's  pleased  with  the  veriest  trifles, 
No  artful  bewitchment  she  knows; 

But  Cupid  a  sigh  or  two  stifles 
At  The  Sign  of  the  Lily  and  Rose. 

And,  indeed,  the  poor  fellow  has  reason 
As  he  thinks  of  the  long  string  of  beaux 

Who'll  successively  stop  for  a  season 
At  The  Sign  of  the  Lily  and  Rose. 

[113] 


THE  LOVER   S  BAEDEKER 


LOVE  PROOF  WINDOW  SCREENS 


[114] 


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ADVERTISEMENT 

Love-Proof  Window  Screens  fill  a  long-felt  want. 
Easily  adjusted.  Non-penetrable.  With  these 
screens  in  place,  Love  cannot  fly  out  of  the 
window  when  Poverty  comes  in  at  the  Door. 

TRUELOVE  &  Co. 
Sole  Agents 

77  MARRION  STREET 


ADVERTISEMENT 


DOCTOR  IRIS.  Diagnostician  for  all  blind- 
ness or  eye  troubles  caused  by  Love.  24  C 
Street. 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


